Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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