I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
