I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
