i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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