i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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