So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
