Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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