for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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