Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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