I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
