It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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