your parents love me but you hate me
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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