he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
