i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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