They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize