that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
