so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
