Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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