Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
