I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Come share oat with me in your robe
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
