im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
