I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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