Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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