I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
