idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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