So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
