I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
