Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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