She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
