I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
