So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
