My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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