If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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