John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
