i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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