I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
