I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
