Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
