I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
