I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
