Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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