I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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