my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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