please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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