I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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