I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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