Only a mothe r could love this liver
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
