i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
