I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
