I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
sarcasm needs its own font
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
