Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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