i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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