Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
