When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
