And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
