Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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